There Are Times (originally written in 2018)

There are times,
Often late at night,
When I sit up and look over at my beautiful sleeping baby,
resting peacefully in his cot.
I feel the warmth in my heart,
As if I were sunbathing on a beach,
And I feel the waves of unconditional love,
As if they were splashing against my body.
I embrace it fully,
And smile to myself,
Thinking about how lucky I am to have this ever growing bond with my darling baby boy.
There are times,
Often during the day,
When I watch my child play with his toys.
I feel his happiness inside of me,
And I feel truly blessed.
I begin to wonder to myself,
Did my mother feel this way about me,
When I was sleeping peacefully in my cot,
Or smiling up at her with my big blue eyes?
Did she love and look after me in the way that I do with my own baby?
There are times,
Often whilst feeding my son,
When I think back to my childhood memories,
And wonder what went wrong.
At what point did I change
from the innocent sweet little girl,
In to the monster I always assumed I must have been?
Often there are times,
Now that I am an adult and my mother is no longer a part of my life,
When I wonder if she still sees me as her little baby girl.
Does she think back to those memories?
Does she miss me?
For most of my adult life,
I looked at myself through my mother’s eyes,
Yet now I am able to look at myself with my own eyes, as a mother.
I will always put my child first,
And I will never understand why my own mother could not do the same for me.
There are times,
Often when I’m sitting alone with my thoughts,
Where I imagine myself seeing my mum again,
And having her hold me tightly and gently stroking my cheeks, as she did when I was a child.
I know that this will never happen,
And so when I’m sitting with my son and cuddling him tight,
I yearn for a mummy cuddle of my own.
There are times,
When my heart aches,
But the love I have for my baby will always shine through.

Published by The Diaries of Donna

I’m a proud mummy of two babies - Toddler Tornado and Little Miss. I like to write when I can about a lot of different things. Usually mental health related. I have “lived experience” of mental illness and perinatal mental illness. I’m also a CSA survivor. Warrior Woman. Loving being a mum. ❤️

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